Jamal: The End

26 Oct

For background on the Jamal situation read this and this.

It’s been an interesting couple of days where Jamal is concerned, culminating with the end of our friendship over the weekend.

Since the friendship/relationship thing started to sprout up again, I’ve been feeling increasingly uneasy about having Jamal in my life in any way, including as a friend.  In conversations with him it was obvious that he was not hearing the things I was saying, the way I was saying them.  I’m a pretty clear communicator and I don’t do a lot of beating around the bush, I say what I mean and mean what I say.

As I’ve explained to Jamal, I’ve been clear as glass that I have no desire for a romantic relationship with him, and that while I love him, it’s not in a romantic or sexual way.

That is never going to change, because Jamal isn’t my type.  In any way.  Cool as a friend, but that is it.

I tried for a couple of days to just do nothing, say nothing, and see if all this stuff would pass.  Then out of the blue, I’m sitting on my computer and the chat window pops up.  Jamal.

Why you not answering my text?  You think you’re just gonna push me outta your life now?  I’m not a chump, I’m not going anywhere.”

Technology is great and all, but shit happens.  Even when you think someone is just stone cold ignoring texts or calls, you probably shouldn’t start a fight over it as a matter of fact unless you’ve confirmed it in some way.  Whatever texts Jamal was referring to, I never got.  Yet he flips anyway.

Before I can respond, my phone is ringing, and we’re knee deep in an argument.  He wants to know why I’ve stopped talking to him, so I tell him; you’re making me uncomfortable.

Apparently that was the signal he needed to unleash, because that’s exactly what he did.

I consider myself a very good judge of character; the next 10 minutes showed me I had judged Jamal incorrectly from the beginning.

He was enraged.  Insulting.  Chauvinistic, hell, there was a few dashes of misogyny in there for flavor.  And the entire situation, as he saw it, was all my fault.  Not just me, Olivia, the person, but me the woman if that makes any sense.

He told me I was wishy washy, said he didn’t know how I felt about him from one day to the next.

As far as he was concerned, I wanted his advances, I sent him those “clear” signals.  When I asked him what about alllll the times I told him otherwise, he either ignored me or insulted me.  And then he said…you act like men aren’t supposed to desire you, like I’m not supposed to want you.”

As soon as the words hit me, I felt like throwing up.

I thought Jamal and I were friends, like, until death friends.  In that very moment, I knew that I was nothing more than an object for him to lust after.

You act like you own me, I said.

And then he took it to a new level.

Bitch if I owned you I’d be over there right now.

I think the last time a man called me a bitch (besides random dudes at the club, the grocery store, the wherever) I was in high school.

To say I didn’t expect that reply is putting it mildly.  I was stupified.  I know men call women bitches every day and people don’t even blink.

But I’m just not that kind of woman, I guess.  Sure, I cuss, sometimes worse than a sailor, but I don’t cuss at people I care about or have respect for and I don’t address people outside of their names, pretty much ever.  So to have someone who I genuinely care about reduce me to a bitch completely threw me.

I can’t stress enough how sickened I was by this last conversation with Jamal.

Suddenly I was a bitch, a hoe, a tease, and all sorts of other undesirable attributes.

Suddenly all of his advances were what I really wanted him to do, and now I was just playing games.

You wanted all of that , he said, and you liked every minute of it.

I don’t know if Jamal was or is aware of what he was saying, or how it sounded, but again, the taste it left in my mouth was the absolute worst.

I heard a voice in the back of my mind, and she said he would hurt a woman.

That was it.

For me, right there, the friendship was completely done.

Because the voice was right.  After all, he’d hurt me.  He’d invaded me.  He’d tried and tried again to push me against my very will.

As I’m thinking all of this, he’s still talking.  Telling me I mean nothing to him, that I am nothing.  I wasn’t even mad.  I had no urge to reply or argue back or get outraged or catch hurt feelings.  I just let him rant, let him go on as long as he wanted to.  When all was said and done, I was ordered never to speak to him again.  I replied simply okay, and he hung up.

I was relieved, to put it lightly.  I had the very strong concern that telling him to never contact me again would only make him more angry, so when he told me never to contact him, I was over the moon.

The next morning I awoke to a text from him on my phone.  Good morning beautiful. I didn’t reply, and he didn’t send another.  That was a few days ago.

It’s been silence ever since, and I’m thankful for that.

I’m also left feeling disturbed by…everything.  He was hell bent on getting what he wanted, even when I didn’t agree, and when it all came to a head, he went off and blamed the woman and her “mixed signals” and “secret desires” and so on.  He held no blame.  None.  It was all the woman’s fault.  What ever he did to offend or hurt her- me- was my fault.

It’s going to take me a bit to stop processing that entire situation.  I know I’ve been sort of rambling and going all over the place trying to explain what happened, but really it’s just the entire thing has me a bit shook, to be honest.  I’ve seen enough people with sexually deviant behavior and mentalities and when I was listening to Jamal “go off” that was all I could really think about.  This man was my friend, a person that I trusted to some degree, and he was exhibiting characteristics and thoughts and the amount of rationalizing that he had to do to even say the things he was saying to me….*deep breath* I hadn’t quite expected all of that to come out.  He was trying to have more than a relationship, and I thought that a clear “no” would suffice.  It didn’t.

I hope I never hear from Jamal again.


2 Responses to “Jamal: The End”

  1. Jaci October 27, 2009 at 5:00 pm #

    Wow and wow.

    Jamal was doing the most! I’m glad you got rid of him.

  2. Lounge Bish November 2, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

    First allow me to say I totally can empathize with what you are going through with this jigga! Whats surprisingly amazing is I know of multiple friendships of this nature that are ending/have ended in this same type of result. Him: bitch you sent mixed signals Her: but when, I never accepted your advances.

    Platonic friendships are never balanced friendships. One of the participants always has an underlying desire (of some sort) for the other. In most cases it is the men – as they are naturally physical beings. They see something attractive, you instantly can see that they are aroused. Women have a little more control and are more subdued with our desires. A woman can be physically turned on and hide “as if” nothing has moved her.

    In My Opinion – platonic relationships dont work becuase men typically enter into to them with a notion of “i have to have some of that”…..#friendshipfail . We as women are working from a disadvantage because we are treating it as a “friendship” and he is treating it as a “relationship” and we all understand – “my interpretation is my reality”. So he interprets our actions as positive resopnses to his pursuit and we interpret his actions as, him just being a good friend. Here lies the disconnect….

    I think you have been more than honest (if what you write is true) #jussay’n 🙂 and you should be firm in your conviction that – YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE THE LINES CONVOLUTED.

    Love your blog and I am naming each bag/dark circle under each eye after you. Shit! Aint get’n no sleep trying to read all and catch up on all this juicy stuff I been missing out on.

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